your money is no good here sir

some jackass is trying to scam all of elmwood with fake 5, 10, and 20 dollar bills. we sorta busted him yesterday with a crappy 20.

be on the look out for this man:

his money is phoney baloney and he kind of looks like ryan miller.
if you see him... pee on him, or call the coppers... that's a federal offense. (both the peeing and the counterfeiting)

YOOOOOOU!

watch this.

return your attitude

Some things I learned in kindergarten

1. you are not any more or less special than any other human on this planet
2. demanding something unreasonable from a person is abusive and hurtful
3. if someone tells you 'no' you should respect their request
4. raising your voice does not make your point more valid
5. respect other people's space and the rules of other peoples houses

this goes for every part of life, what makes people think when they come in a store all the rules are null and void?

if you want to come into my store and make a return, all you have to do is remember these things... and I will be more than willing to accommodate you with a smile on my face.

if you want to forget all your manners and be a dick?

honestly what am I supposed to do.

thanks for making me cry you big meanie. <--- true story

something wrong with bump and grind

a road-raging-assmilker has ruined my friday night and my shitty car. I was driving home from the burbs with chi chi when I noticed a tailgater in a pick-up truck. just as I said, 'look at how close this guy is driving to me', WHAMO! I got bumper-fucked. an intentional hit! then, said rager sped off at about 90mph. my first instinct was speed up and get this goons license plate, but my meager saab was no match to his hemi power. chi chi called 911 and we filed an accident and crime report with the police. now my back is sore and I can't sleep. only perk was I got to sit in the back of a police car for the first time.... I was mclovin' it.



and fyi, the back seat of police car doesn't have door handles... I never thought about that!

but in all seriousness, I'm glad me and my passenger are ok.

FREE PRESS

Newell thinks we're kewl, even if everyone else in buffalo can't get enough hate in before their lunch hour.

This is where my stupid new dress has traveled over the past 25 days...

Can you be "en route" to buffalo when you've already technically passed through buffalo?

I'm now taking bets on the date of actual arrival... I have September 8th locked up.

You can also bet on if it will cross the Mississippi. My money's on yes.

what if this happened...

"HEY! I have a great idea! Lets steal a cell phone from an innocent Japanese student... that way she'll have to pay for a new one, loose all her contacts that she ever made in the US, and be unable to contact her family in Japan for days!

"No wonder I'm your friend! You think of the funnest things ever! Hey, while we're at it lets see if this register drawer opens. Ooooh! and also lets try and break in the basement door... it might be a good time!"


that would be some crazy shit.

triflin hos wanna steal my man

Actually, no, they want to steal my money. Which is even worse!
Any knowledge on these lovely lasses will earn you a plentiful reward.

trouble makers

I love a trouble maker, that is for sure... but when they infiltrate the store and try and break in my register and succeed in stealing my employees cell phone? Well you better believe I will blow them up.

This is a warning... bring the cell phone back today no questions asked or I will post your stupid little faces all over the neighborhood, the myspace page, craigslist casual encounters, police headquarters, facebook, and drop flyers out of a fucking helicopter.


don't believe me? I dare you to come back in the store... we can have a little chat woman to woman.

Stay tuned!

the sandal rule

truth... tell your girlfriend

arch support bad... flexible shoes good!

hello! if I hear one more grandma coming in FIREBRAND asking about arch support I'm going to put her over my knee...


GET WITH THE TIMES!

Science is discovering that our feet actually work pretty damn good (thanks evolution!) We don't need all this fancy shmancy arch-support-pronate-correcting-triple-insole-super-traction-mumbo-jumbo. In fact, all that crap is reversing the progress our pretty little feet have made over the millions of years us humans have been standing on them.



I guess the more flexible a shoe, and the less it "corrects" your foot the better it is! Now that doesn't mean walk barefoot, shoes are still nice for walking on sharp surfaces and keeping you feet clean. Not to mention they can look pretty shwanky if you buy them from FIREBRAND.



So what's my point? Throw out your dads stupid white cross-training sneakers (you know-the ones that match his tubesocks) and tell him to get hip and get healthy! And if you grandma even thinks about coming in here and asking me about arch support tell her to wear her padded panties.


more info click here